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guns and shattering faith

Dearest, Something terrible happened in my hometown this month. Call/email your senators and elected representatives and demand stronger gun control laws. Here's a link to email Marco Rubio if you live in FL (who can also be reached at 202-224-3041 or 305-418-8553). I had a love-themed letter planned (for obvious reasons), but everything I've written feels hollow and meaningless in light of this month's events. I'm having trouble processing, and I'm not really sure what to say. Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School is 10 minutes from my house. They were my high school's rivals. Every year, we'd play them in football in this big game called the Pig Bowl. The losing principal had to kiss a pig. Our principal had to kiss a pig three times while I was in high school. This morning (the Sunday after), I skipped church because I can't stand being near a God who would let this happen. I know an evil person made an evil decision and corrupt politicians left the laws wide open for such a tragedy, but in my religion (Christianity), God is supposed to be both sovereign AND good. I just don't see how that's possible. If he's in control, then he let this happen. Therefore, he can't be good. I've struggled with this for a long time. And I know many people have, with no answer to the Problem of Evil. But this tragedy is really driving an even deeper wedge between God and me. If you're feeling the same way, I'm sorry. And I don't have any answers. I guess what I'm trying to say is if I didn't grow up believing in God, I definitely would be an atheist. (Just look at the world!) And now, it's hard to see the point of believing in God. Why even bother? What possible reason could there be for this much suffering? But since I can't disbelieve... I don't know what to do. I'm furious. I'm heartbroken for my city, my community. The only conclusion I can come to is that God is real, but he doesn't give a fuck about the world. Is it true? I don't know. As Childish Gambino wrote in "That Power," This is a story about how I learned something, and I'm not saying this thing is true or not, I'm just saying it's what I learned. One thing is for sure, though. We're here together. And while it doesn't count for much, it counts for something. I just have one more thing to say before ending this letter: I love you.

Love, bread, and antivenom, Lex